I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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