So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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