Dude my mom stole all your condoms
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
