She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
