Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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