Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
