we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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