i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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