Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
