My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Pants are for mortals
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
