She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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