There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
