im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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