If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
