Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
