He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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