Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
