I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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