I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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