i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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