My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
