i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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