woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So apparently I’m into choking now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
