Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
