I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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