I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
