i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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