The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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