Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
