Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
