Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
