So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
