I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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