I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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