Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
