i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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