so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
God, I missed his penis.
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