I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
