I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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