Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
