She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
