I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
