someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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