well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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