"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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