i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
