I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She even gives head with a lisp.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
