Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
