yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize