nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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