i wish my penis had a tongue
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
