The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
