if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
