my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
