Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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