i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
is it fun? or sober?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
