yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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