if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize