A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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