Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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