proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
