I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
