I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
