True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
