You just made me feel so damn special
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
