bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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