A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
is wine microwaveable?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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