I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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