That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
