HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
