he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
