I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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