I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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