I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Send help, water and tortillas.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
